I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
