good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
