I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
