I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
