can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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