Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
