Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
