have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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