And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
