Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
