Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
