Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
