I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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