dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
