I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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