Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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