I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
