You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
