Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
