Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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