i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
