Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
