I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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