im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
