my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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