I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
