The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we're making bets on your personal life
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
