I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
