can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
