he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
