Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
