there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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