Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He? As in you personified your dick?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
