Where did you get a picture of my penis
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
