I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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