How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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