in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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