honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
