guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
