he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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