I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
