Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
