I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
