Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
