The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
