I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
