What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
