Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
