um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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