i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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