i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
