it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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